I guess so. Geez.
Two big events have occured! Peter-Leo started the fourth grade!! And Kody started pre-k!! I am officially old. While I am super proud to be the mother of two super awesome kids.. Shorty after the tears stopped from dropping Kody off at her first day... they started again.
As I sat in our empty house.. with the golden sound of silence... I felt a twinge. A prick. And suddenly I felt like I was behind in life. Just not where I should be. The thought (and in a very snarky tone) said "wow, look at all that you've accomplished in the last 5 years. puhahahaha. nothing. loser." It was worse than any sucker punch I have ever seen on television because I felt it and I have continued to feel it. Truly that is the horrifying.
All I have done is raise two really awesome kids (at least up to this point).. and actually that should be good enough. However, prick. prick. prick. It doesn't feel like it is. Even as I type this thoughts of all the things I "should have" accomplished haunt me. The only squeak of a thought is "why didn't I do that?" (hangs head is some form of misguided shame.)
Alas, then chimes in my Dad from a photo taken 9 years ago after Peter-Leo's baby blessing, "kid, You are a good momma. You can do this. Just go for it. Start today, continue tomorrow. . Don't give up." That's my Dad always saving the day with his belief in me being able to do something.
You know I talked to him the other day.. didn't have much news to share with him.. but he is one of the rocks in my life. Someone that no matter how the world sees or treats me I know he is there to listen & give advice (the best advice) and the best support. I often tell Monty that he doesn't give advice to me the right way and he should be more like my Dad. That tends to bother Monty at times, but it's the truth. My Dad can tell me what I should be doing in a way that I am not offended, or belittled, or without my stubborn pride being hurt. Not that Monty purposely says it that way or means it that way.. but he hasn't learned how to give me advice yet. In all fairness, my Dad has known me a lot longer than him.. so I will continue to cut Monty some slack and not be mad at him!
With the support of both my Dad and Monty... I look forward... back to school.. I can't wait for September to come..
I look back at my time at Savannah Tech as some of the most challenging, heartbreaking, stressful, exciting, fun and comforting times in my life. I felt such peace during the chaos called "internship." I loved all my friends, classmates, and teachers.. well not all of them.. there were a few but that's another blog post. I learned an incredible amount about my field, them, but most importantly myself. It is truly one of the few times in my life that I felt like I was doing something that reflected who I truly was. Not just who I thought people wanted me to be. Just me.
So, as I begin what I feel I should have begun years ago and do my best to catch up I am excited to start this. I am ready to move forward starting today and continuing tomorrow.
